The Year I Chose to Change My Life: A Letter to My Future Self

Living in Survival Mode

For the past 20 years, I’ve been in survival mode. I’ve had many breakthroughs along the way, but I didn’t realise I was still holding a chain around my neck—one that was stopping me from truly moving forward.

I kept asking myself, “Why is nothing happening for me?” But deep down, I was self-sabotaging. My younger trauma had convinced me that I was only good enough for the life I already had. I held onto those feelings for so long, and every time something good happened, I’d feel like something bad was just around the corner.It felt like I was stuck in an emotional Groundhog Day—reliving the same doubt, fear, and limitations.

 

Feeling Stuck and Numb

In the last few months, I was holding onto this idea of a mediocre life. I wasn’t making any real changes, but I also wasn’t feeling like my true self. I was burying all my emotions, pretending everything was fine—just like Ross from Friends, saying his famous saying, “I’m fine.”

But in reality, my mental health was declining. People started to notice I wasn’t myself. I felt super depressed and hopeless, like nothing was ever going to work out for me. I believed I would always be behind in life because of my trauma. And even though I kept telling myself I’d be okay, I didn’t truly believe it. I was just existing—not living. It’s like I was walking around in a fog, watching life happen to everyone else.

Looking back now, I realise I was making changes—just really slowly, and without even noticing it at the time.Small shifts were happening, even if they weren’t showing straight away.

The Breakdown That Led to Breakthrough

It all came to a head one day when I completely broke down in tears. My eyes were swollen from crying so much—from finally letting out all the sadness I had held in for so long.I remember looking at myself in the mirror and barely recognising who I was.

In that moment, I realised I didn’t want this version of life anymore: going to work, coming home, watching TV, putting on weight, becoming physically ill and feeling sorry for myself. I knew I had to make a change.

This couldn’t be it—this couldn’t be my story.

So I did. I started creating intentional goals for myself. I stopped telling myself that my dreams were “too much.” I put away the self-help books and started taking real action, even when it felt scary.

I didn’t wait to feel ready—I just started.

Taking Scary but Intentional Steps

Soon, things started happening. I began ticking things off my goals list, and it gave me hope that maybe—just maybe—things could work out for me.

I forced myself to build healthier habits. I started going to the gym. I learned to cook fresh, nutritious meals. I even joined a walking club—something I’d wanted to do for ages but kept putting off. And through all of this, I started to feel my confidence returning.Not overnight, but slowly—like a flower growing through cracks in concrete.

I began to level up my life in a big way. I made new friends, and I also nurtured the community I already had. I deepened some really special friendships—people who helped carry me through one of the hardest times of my life. They reminded me of who I was when I had forgotten.

Becoming My True Self

I’m now more myself than I have ever been. And honestly, I know my childhood self would be so proud. She wouldn’t believe the amazing people I now have in my life.She’d be in awe of the joy, the confidence, the light.

If I met her for coffee, I think she’d give me a big hug and say, “Thank you for not giving up on who you wanted to be.”She’d probably cry too—and that’s okay.

Advice for Anyone Feeling Stuck

If you’re stuck right now, please don’t be afraid to ask for help. And don’t let fear stop you from putting your dreams into action.

You don’t have to figure it all out today—just take the next kind step.

I’m not perfect. I still have lots of tough decisions to make. But I’ve built strong boundaries and learned how important it is to live life intentionally. Aligning your actions with what you want—not what others expect from you—is everything.

I know there are people out there who see a version of me that may not be the full picture. But at least now, I feel more at peace with myself.And that version of peace? It’s priceless.

Gratitude and Hope

I want to thank all the beautiful people in my life—no matter how short or long your time in my life has been—for helping keep me going. And I want to thank myself for not giving up.

You kept showing up when no one was watching.

My smile is back. I feel like I’ve been reborn (Watch The Blind on Netflix for the reference).

P.S. This is a letter to my future self—and to anyone who needs some motivation to keep going through a tough time.

Your turning point might be just one brave choice away.

Sending you lots of love,

Ayesha x